Tag Archives: positive parenting

You Can Tell Me Anything

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“Bang!” “Bang!” “Bang!”

Despite their silence, parents on the playground couldn’t hide their disapproving brows and disturbed looks as my young son pointed a tiny finger and pretended to shoot every child in sight. In those early years, there were times I felt ill equipped as a parent. As my sweet, brown-eyed boy was acting like the most powerful person on the playground, I acted understanding, but felt like a phony.

Here I was, a Montessori teacher, a “peace educator,” and my child loved guns.

Was our household mantra a big mistake? When I recited, “This home is peaceful. We don’t even pretend to play with weapons here. Everyone has the right to be safe,” I didn’t realize it was having the opposite effect: the gunplay didn’t subside. Instead, more docile icons were employed … a carrot stick sword or paintbrush pistol.

I made it my goal to shield him from violent images, closely monitoring the television and following his every move. He played in a carefully prepared environment, rich with sensory activities. The shelves were stocked with puzzles, blocks and art supplies. There were no weapons — not even a pirate ship — yet his fascination with violence continued to grow.

At age 13, my son’s intrigue with weapons was still going strong. He was drawn to games of power and strategy, and the mechanics of machines and weapons.

Retaliation wouldn’t work on a teenager, so I brought my own big guns: shame, guilt and sarcasm. I nagged him constantly and watched a chasm grow between us. He developed a strong love for propulsion and power and left me and my sensitivities in the dust.
The day he talked me into joining him at Airsoft target practice was the turning point. “Mom, guns are just tools. You don’t have to be afraid of them. Shooting at targets isn’t hurting anyone. It’s fun.” Powerless, I played along.

I noted his high marks in proper gun handling. His understanding of gun safety seemed complete and mature, and before I could express concern for the ecosystem bombarded with all those pellets, he assured me they would biodegrade “within a reasonable time frame.”
He had seduced me with reason. I held the gun; it felt all wrong. But one targeted hit was all it took to feel a surge of adrenalin. I peeked self-consciously at the man-child standing beside me grinning ear-to-ear, all too happy to declare, “It feels kind of good when you hit the target, don’t you think, Mom?”

Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of “Raising Cain,” states: “What we know is that boys in all cultures around the world wrestle more, mock fight more, and are drawn to themes of power and domination, but that’s not the same as hurting someone, so it’s not necessarily a cause for worry.” When parents forbid imaginary play, they inadvertently set up a scenario where children cannot safely express their feelings and impulses.

We strive to see our children as individuals. Yet the shame and guilt we may unwittingly carry forward from our own childhood experiences can be absolutely blinding.

Communication is difficult in the best of circumstances. When children trigger our personal fears, it’s almost impossible to remain open. At times, we may feel embarrassed by our child’s actions; in reality, we’re not ashamed for them, but afraid of what others may think of us. That’s an egocentric life sentence that I’m not willing to adopt.

My fear of guns comes from an unhealed part of me that I was projecting onto my son, one which is easily fueled by the media’s obsession with violence. This same fear cycle plays out around the topic of sex.

In my childhood, discussing sex was simply not done. Having sex was another story. There was a lot of it in my late teenage years — more than I care to admit and much more than I want my son to emulate. My first sexual experience was traumatic, so the idea of discussing birth control with my boy and his girlfriend, age 16, triggered many emotions.

Now 18 and in his first year of college, my son is thoroughly enjoying his independence and his life away from home. Recently, he called to tell me he had ended a relationship. He was upset and really struggling. The conversation that followed was truly remarkable in its openness and candor. I realized we had each come a long way.

What had all those years of parenting and tough communication taught me?

  • In his early teenage years, my responses either shut him down or opened up his honesty. I learned fairly early how to allow my son to reveal what was real for him, even when I didn’t agree.
  • My son’s natural curiosity triggered my emotions in unexpected — often negative — ways. There was no way to control this.
  • When I stopped judging his natural curiosities, I gained respect and could see his broad range of interests.
  • Questions that challenged my beliefs sometimes led to heated discussions. These provided the chance for us to find deep connection within the intensity of conflict.
  • In speaking up about what was unspeakable in my own youth, I learned that I must hear and accept my son’s unique voice.

The channels of honest communication we’ve been forging ebb and flow with the circumstances of life. We don’t talk every day, but when we do, there is honesty, humor and genuine caring. We have established a foundation of trust, meaning all questions and inquires are welcome.

We disagree often, but we rarely judge each other.

The ways in which any of us show up for, and relate to, each other as adults are inextricably tied to unconscious patterns and attitudes developed in childhood. One delightful result of connecting more deeply with our children is the potential for healing the old and outdated wounds within us.

Communication is a long and winding road, an ongoing process of ripping open wounds that tether us to our past. By freeing ourselves from these past attachments, we can observe and engage openly with the children in whom our own hopes and dreams are so intricately woven.

From our new vantage point, the possibility exists that we may meet and embrace the sweet souls of our own youth and, at long last, make peace with who we were and the people we have become.

~Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in February 2014. See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/you-can-tell-me-anything/

The Nature of Childhood

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During a peewee soccer game, one tiny player stared up into the sky, his eyes intently following the path of an orange butterfly. The coach and many spectators loudly called his name, but the ball rolled right past him without notice. His attention was elsewhere … in nature.

Children innately love nature. They crave connection with the living environment.

As they skip and tumble through the grass, collecting handfuls of leaves or carefully studying the movement of an insect, we may be reminded how much the ever-changing canvas of earth is a vital part of life.

Yet, according to Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods, only 6 percent of children ages 9 to 13 spend time playing outdoors apart from when they’re at school.

For a number of reasons, including increased access to technology, children are spending less time outdoors and in unstructured play than ever before. For many parents and educators, this sparks concern that they could become increasingly isolated from the essential experience of exploring their natural world.

Most adults can recall summer days spent picking wild berries, counting the legs on a woolly bear caterpillar, making daisy or dandelion chains or scooping polliwogs into a jar with the hope of growing a frog. These memories became pivotal moments of childhood that lit up our creativity and ignited our sense of awe.

We learned important things about life and the world through this unstructured play time. It’s why we seek outdoor camps and summer programs for our children.

Engaging the Senses

Montessori education is known for using nature and the living environment to engage a child’s senses. Students gain creative control over their indoor and outdoor spaces through purposeful activities that teach responsibility for self, others and the environment. This encourages hands-on exploration and participation that takes awareness and learning to new heights.

In my parent outreach work at West Hills Montessori, one comment I hear frequently from visitors is, “The children seem so happy.” They are happy because there’s diversity, self-direction and a sense of balance built into their day.

Instead of turning to the nearest adult (or computer) for answers to their questions, Montessori kids explore indoor and outdoor classrooms which serve as laboratories where they make real life discoveries about the world. This gives their learning a deep and relevant meaning that stays with them long after they leave the school.

For this reason and many others, Montessori is a great choice for many families. It’s also a source of inspiration during the summer months for parents who want to infuse a little more nature into their child’s experience.

Here are a few suggestions you can try at home to keep nature play at the forefront of your child’s summer experience:

Offer tools of outdoor exploration.

Binoculars, gloves, magnifying glasses, bug nets and boxes are essential tools of outdoor exploration. Your child will use these in ways that amaze and delight you.

Plant and tend a family garden.

Even the smallest outdoor space can be transformed by the addition of garden rows or containers for planting, a (child-sized) bench for working and resting, and a variety of (adult- and child-sized) tools such as shovels, trowels, pruners, watering cans and gloves. Collaborate with your child to choose plants, vegetables and fruits you will enjoy tending and harvesting together.

Familiarize yourself with the plant and animal species that surround you.

Walking and hiking with children is a lovely way to connect with each other while engaging more deeply with the natural world. Try keeping an adventure journal in which family members can record, with words or drawings or any media you choose, plant and animal sightings and other noteworthy nature events.

Go outside and play!

The same technology that has the potential to distract our children from the activities that ignite their imaginations can isolate us as well. When we unplug electronics for a little while and step outdoors to play with our children, we may rediscover a magical world that calls us to slow down and enjoy the journey more.

-Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in June, 2013.  See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/the-nature-of-childhood/

The Beat of Her Own Drum

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At one time it was unthinkable for a woman to raise her child apart from the rituals and traditions of her community. Much has changed, but today’s woman still carries within her a lineage of wisdom that innately prepares her for childbirth and parenting. This knowledge echoes the voices of ancient grandmothers who teach valuable lessons about building community, raising children, and caring for oneself amidst the bustle of modern living.

Portland-based Shamanic practitioner Rebecca Singer teaches women to connect with this deep inner knowledge, and to march to the beat of their own drum while growing families, careers, and communities. With minimal support from her family, Rebecca raised her son as a single parent while living internationally, working with at-risk youth and supporting the needs of those on the threshold of change.

The skills Rebecca teaches women about childbirth and parenting are profound. She says, “Nothing connects a woman more to her power than birthing a baby. It’s a breaking open of a woman into her own wisdom. Too often, the focus during pregnancy is on ‘what if something goes wrong’ rather than on a woman’s instinctive ability to give birth. Today many women choose C-sections so their bodies won’t have to go through a natural birth. I loved being in labor. There was this deep sense that I knew what I was doing.”

Connection with the Earth can seem like an idealist state, but Rebecca demonstrates how it must be a priority in our fast-paced society. “When our bare feet hit the ground, our breathing and heart rate slows down, our eyes can focus, and our expectations and demands get a chance to fall by the wayside. Children desperately need this time away from technology to connect with the natural rhythm of nature, and so do we as mothers. It drops us into our bellies and allows us to relax and remember who we are.”

Which leads to a common question: How can a mother be fully present for her children without abandoning her own needs? Rebecca points out, “It’s so important to connect and build friendships with other healthy women who love being women. Find a group of mothers who can laugh and cry about the absurdities of parenthood. Seek out those who don’t compete or criticize. And then trust yourself completely. No one knows how to raise your child better than you.”

Every good mother wants her children to grow up happy, to be good to others and to live their own passion. This calls for parenting that is fierce, unconditionally loving, and that provides children with clear and consistent limits. “Mothers must be ready to defend their children and also be able to listen to constructive feedback about their children. Ultimately, it’s up to us as mothers to negotiate with anyone or anything that dims our child’s spirit. Good parenting is about protecting children, teaching them about their own inner knowing and strength, and then letting them go.”

As kids hit the teenage years, parents must shift as well. Rebecca helps moms in this stage learn how to check their reactivity to common situations. She believes, “Not every teenager is going to be difficult. It’s a psychological set-up in our culture to expect teens to be a challenge. Friendships can feel fake and unsatisfying at this age and kids can feel isolated, and it’s hard on their spirit. Home must be a place where they can be fully themselves. Establishing safety in your home means making yourself available to really listen and communicate without judging.

Mothering a teen means making yourself available to communicate, understanding and accepting their need to become independent from you, and allowing them to show you what kind of support is needed. Most of all, teens need to see their mothers modeling acceptance, confidence and comfort in their own skin.”

Eloquently, Rebecca reminds women, “Mothering is a season of life in which we are called to be entirely present and dedicated to the wellbeing of another person. Happy childhoods are not created by doing more, achieving more, or having more. It’s about being fully available to your child. Learn how to go inside, listen to your gut, and listen to what your child is telling you he or she needs. And if you don’t know how to do it, get some help. Forget the people who want to tell you what to do; choose the people who can teach you how to trust your instincts and love yourself.”

As a Shamanic healer who works on three continents, Rebecca is the embodiment of a fearless warrior. But when she speaks about her adult son, Liam, there’s a softness that illuminates her mother’s heart: “I have to say of all my experiences in life, raising my son was the best … the absolute best.”

~Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in May 2012. -See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/the-beat-of-her-own-drum/

Holiday Hype got you down?

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While the central premise of marketing revolves around the idea that buying things will make us “happy”,  a study of materialistic values among children determined that kids who have the most in a material sense tend to be the least generous, the least content, and the less confident (From Natural Life Magazine, March/April 2008). This revelation comes as no surprise to any parent who has witnessed the tearful tantrums of a child caught up in the vicious cycle of  begging for “things” – candy, toys or the immediate object of their desire – only to discover that the joy at having acquired the thing is fleeting and empty.

Yet, this is what we face as consumers… holiday hype and commercial marketing often seems to overshadow the real meaning of the season.

What if commercial holidays were no more worthy of celebration than the loss of a tooth; the changing of the seasons; the sprouting of a seed; the birth of a child; or the historical milestones of any culture?  And what if we honored each of these milestones with equal reverence and without regard for commercial hype?

I offer these few simple suggestions for slowing down and staying connected to the things that really matter this holiday season:

Walk outdoors and collect objects from nature – pinecones, autumns last leaves, rocks and twigs can make a festive winter table decoration.

Keep a Gratitude Journal: Every member of the family can share one thing for which they are thankful. This becomes a lovely keepsake treasure of shared moments.

Volunteer: There is perhaps no better way to remain mindful of the real meaning of “giving” than to serve those less fortunate.

Feed the birds: Large pinecones smeared with nut butter and rolled in birdseed make a tasty treat for birds…hang them in a place where you can observe what happens

I wish you a holiday season filled with Joy, Peace, Gratitude & Love.

Until next time,

Delila

Helping Children to Help Themselves

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Anyone who has ever parented a toddler can identify with the struggle which often ensues when a well-meaning adult rushes in to “help” a child with a task they are attempting to do on their own. Such conflicts are intense and emotional and often result in a sense of defeat for both child and parent.   In these moments we realize that the babies we once held so close are no longer babies and they don’t need quite as much assistance – or at least not the same kind of assistance – as they once did.

Many times the best way a parent can help is to move aside and allow the child to find her way. Given the proper support, even the youngest child can learn to manage many aspects of life independently. With a new school year beginning, this is the perfect time to support your young child in becoming more independent in managing personal needs such as getting dressed and using the bathroom. These familiar activities require the mastery of many individual skills which, once accomplished, bring the child to a new level of independence and self confidence.

Here are some tips to help you and your child along in the process:

Dressing with Independence

  • Store your child’s clothing in a low drawer or on a low rod, making it easily accessible.
  • Fill the drawer with clothing choices that are easy for the child to manage. For a toddler, for example, elastic waistbands and pullover shirts are good choices.
  • Organize the contents of the drawer, making the items visible and accessible. For example, make sure shirts are all in one place, socks in another, etc.
  • Stock the drawer and/or closet with ONLY seasonally appropriate clothing. For example, shorts, tank tops and sandals should be packed away during the winter months.  This way, your child cannot make a ‘wrong’ choice.
  • Make sure EVERY item of clothing can be managed independently by the child.  Buttons, snaps and suspenders are all difficult for very young children to manage.
  • Avoid battles of will by storing ‘fancy’ or formal clothing (anything that is not school-appropriate attire) in a separate place, reserved for ‘special’ occasions.
  • Allow your child the creative freedom to combine patterns and colors of his own choosing, from among the clothing choices available to him. In this way, he will gain confidence in his ability to manage independently and will begin to develop his own personal style preferences.

Managing Bathroom needs Independently

  • Break down the Bathroom Routine into logical steps which include taking down clothes, wiping, washing and flushing independently. Once this simple routine is established, be consistent and avoid doing for the child what she is able to do for herself.
  • Dress For (potty) Success: It’s enough of a challenge for a young child to anticipate the need to go and then get to the bathroom in time, without complicating the process by adding snaps, buttons and bows.  Keep it simple. Elastic waistbands and easy-fitting clothes are the best choices for little ones learning to be independent with bathroom needs.

Learning to dress oneself or use the toilet independently helps children grow in self awareness and self esteem. Rewards or incentives are neither necessary nor helpful to the child because his acquisition of independent life skills, self-confidence and trust in his own abilities are the real reward. And this intangible reward becomes clearly evident in the ear-to-ear grin of the child who has just completed a task independently.  “I did it myself!” is music to every Wize Mama’s ears.

Until next time,

Delila

Renewing the Spirit: Nurturing the Nurturer

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I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year and in that time I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover that this online community attracts women of all kinds and in all stages of life… even those who are not mothers.

This confirms a trend I’ve been noticing for awhile: In this day and age, women are not subscribing to traditional roles. Instead, we are insisting that our lives be a reflection of who we truly are and not simply who we feel we should be. Motherhood, while often an important facet of our female experience, is only one aspect of our womanhood.

Yet, the shared quality of nurturing – mothering – seems to be a natural inclination for most women. The problem is, in our efforts to nurture and care for others – families, friends, co-workers, etc. – we often neglect our own needs. It’s a bit of a conundrum. How can we juggle all the responsibilities of our personal and professional lives without neglecting our own personal needs?

No matter where we find ourselves in life, at times we crave the kind of caretaking we offer others, the kind we may ourselves have experienced as children. As women, I believe it’s up to us to support each other in getting these personal needs met, in taking the time to nurture ourselves, and in an ongoing commitment to placing our own needs at the top of the priority list… at least some of the time.

This blog is dedicated to all the women who give, nurture, and care. It is intended to acknowledge and celebrate the many facets of our womanhood; and to inspire greater attention to our own needs and desires.

Many years ago I established a self care ritual I continue to practice almost every day, no matter what else is going on in my life. Just before bed I turn off phones, lock the bathroom door, light a candle and run a hot Epsom salt bath infused with essential oils. I allow myself to soak until my body is relaxed and my mind is clear. Whether I can carve out 5 minutes or 30 minutes, this simple ritual always leaves me feeling nurtured and renewed.

I asked several dynamic women friends – each of whom juggle busy personal and professional schedules with incredible guts and grace – how they keep it all together.  Here are their self care secrets:

Jane Crawford, Owner and LMT (www.lavenderstonemassage.com) “Dry body brushing is an important part of my morning self-care routine. The hour I spend focused on my body and my healing allows me to be that much more present to the needs of my family and my clients.”

Kellie Jean Lewis, Reiki Master & Massage Therapist (www.kelliejeanreiki.com) “Each morning I write down 10 things for which I’m grateful as well as 10 things I want to attract to my life. I write them as if they are already happening. I then take a moment to get very clear about my intentions for that day, and I write those down as well. I read all of what I’ve just written, aloud. In this way, I start each day grounded in gratitude and positive intention.”

Kristie Connor, High-tech Marketing Specialist & Blogger (www.girlstalkingtech.com) “I keep it simple: every day I try to make time for one or two small but significant activities that feel relaxing and rejuvenating to my spirit.  It might be an extra 5 minutes of snuggle time with my son, a deep breathing exercise, a few jumps on the trampoline, a short walk, or a conversation with a friend. When I do this, I feel my stress melt away.”

Erin Donley, Marketing Consultant and Business Coach (www.marketingyourtruth.com) “ I often enlist advice and nurturing from a 3rd party perspective. For example, I work regularly with a business/life coach, and I occasionally seek counsel from one of the many astounding intuitive healers in Portland. This helps me see my situation from a new angle and, often times, clarity and a deeper understanding of myself and my priorities is all I need to regain balance, security, and confidence.

Diane Bays, Owner (www.healthyspacesonline.com) “I’ve always carved out time to nurture my spiritual life through women’s retreats and getaways, which is one way I have modeled for my children the importance of self-care. When I acknowledge my own needs as equally important, I hope I am inspiring them to seek balance in their own lives.”

Joanna Flores, Owner and L.Ac., M.Ac.O.M., ABT (www.groundspring.net) “After I put the kids to bed, I sit for 5 minutes and replay the events of the day to allow any unfinished business to complete and make its way out of my space.  My reward for doing this is I sleep wonderfully and I wake rested.  If I don’t, then I find myself fidgeting and restless.”

Christine Thum Schlesser, Owner and VP of Operations (www.advantig.net) “I treat myself to a weekly session with a fabulous acupuncturist who blends several traditional Asian techniques to help me maintain a healthy life balance.”

Please take the time to post a comment and share your own favorite strategies for personal renewal.  If you don’t have one, I hope you’re feeling inspired to carve out regular time for self care! You totally deserve it.

Until next time,

Delila

Kindling the Flame of Creativity

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The creative is the place where no one else has ever been…What you’ll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

This post is dedicated to all who tirelessly pursue the creative process.

Creativity involves learning techniques and exploring pathways and discovering one’s unique passions and gifts. For some, creativity is a state of being in the world.

Have you ever experienced a moment of inexpressible, ineffable… something… while immersed in a creative process like singing or drawing or writing?  I say these are the magical moments which keep us anchored to our life dreams and overarching goals. These are the moments we wish for our children, and what inspires us to enroll them in piano and art.

My creative course took a turn twenty five years ago, while observing a group of Montessori preschool children at work and play. I had an epiphany about the vital creativity at work in children; creativity which was not bestowed by a teacher but rather discovered, explored and nurtured by the children themselves.

Creativity is about impulse and passion and choice.  It’s about freedom and flow. It’s about beauty. And it’s about keeping the flame alive. Here are a few  practical tips for encouraging creativity in children and families. What are your favorite tools and tricks? Please take a moment to post your comment:

Provide Opportunity and Choice.

When a spark of creativity is ignited, it’s nice to have some expressive tools and materials at your fingertips. By providing a space and materials with which to work, your child can experience the freedom of choosing how to express a creative impulse or idea. I recommend providing a variety of supplies, organized in boxes or baskets, on a low shelf that is accessible to every member of the family.  Here are some of the basics:

  • Paper – a wide variety of colors and textures and sizes.
  • Easel – great for painting, chalk, and for large collage projects
  • Magazines or catalogs; photos – great for collage
  • Pencils, markers, crayolas and/or oil pastels, and chalk
  • Paints (such as tempura and watercolor)
  • Scissors – different types, including those with fun-shaped edges
  • Glue – squeeze and stick varieties; and a hot glue gun for older kids.
  • Clay – Earthen or Fimo (polymer clay) for sculpture
  • Popsicle sticks – or craft sticks – great for a variety of projects
  • Seasonal items, like autumn leaves, holiday wrap, glitter, stickers… anything goes!
  • Cloths or rags – a basket full for clean up – and a place to put the dirty cloths
  • Plastic or vinyl placemats – to protect works spaces from paint, glue, glitter etc.
  • Aprons – one to fit every artist in the house :)

Establish and Uphold Clear Guidelines of Use.

No parent wants to find tempura paint on the ceiling or clay in the carpet.  Simple guidelines/rules are necessary for maintaining order and keeping everyone safe, but should not inhibit creativity.  These three simple rules allow the individual a large measure of creative liberty within clearly defined limits:

1.      Respect for Self

2.      Respect for Others (anyone around me)

3.      Respect for Environment (immediate, local and global)

Any activity or creative expression that is not respectful of the individual, others, or the space (environment) should not be allowed.  If a material is purposefully misused – like when paint appears on the ceiling, walls or in a siblings hair – it should be removed for a time, and brought back only if the child agrees to use it appropriately.

Demonstrate Basic Techniques: Creative people have mastered specific techniques that allow them to express their unique spirit and creative process. Take the time to demonstrate the basic use of each artistic tool – i.e. pencil, scissors, paintbrush, clay, glue, etc. – before inviting the child to use them independently.   Once the techniques have been demonstrated, the child may explore other ways to use them, or use them in combination.

Respect the Creative Process at Work. As anyone who has ever observed the activities of very young children can attest, they are process-driven creatures.  It’s not at all unusual for a child to spend 30 minutes creating a painting, only to leave the finished product behind, forgotten. This is the natural course of things for the young child, who moves with ease from one activity to the next, immersed in the process of exploring and becoming. It can be difficult for an adult to imagine a child being propelled solely by their own curiosity and inner guidance, and yet when left to their own devices, they are.

Invite Open Dialogue. Children, like adults, don’t always want to talk about their process… and that’s ok.  Trust that your child’s creative explorations may take them to places you have not been. Get curious and, when they do share about their experience, do your best to listen without judgment. Judgment, whether positive or negative, stifles creativity.

Offer Observations and Avoid Praise. The well-meaning adult who swoops in to praise  a child who has produced a product is establishing a pattern of unhealthy dependence on adult approval.  Such a pattern is easily established and difficult to break. Some experts suggest that children who receive regular praise from adults are less confident, less independent, initiate fewer activities on their own, and take fewer (creative, social and intelletual) risks.

However, well placed and objective comments about the child’s process can have the opposite effect, supporting the development of healthy self-esteem. The difference is that praise is totally subjective and places a judgment on the child, while objective comments make meaningful observations of the child’s process,  inspire greater introspection and allow the child to gain confidence in his true abilities. Here is an example of the difference between subjective praise and objective comments:

  • Subjective Praise: “Wow! You are a great artist!”
  • Objective comment: “ I notice you used a lot of blue.”
  • Objective comment: “I see a pattern of lines and circles.”
  • Objective comment: “You worked for a long time on this painting!”

Get Friendly with Error and Avoid Judgment.

Judgment stifles creativity. Humans learn and progress through exploration, experimentation, and by making mistakes and trying again. From this perspective, errors are good indicators of positive progress! Mistake is not a dirty word, despite what we may have learned in school, and Right and Wrong are subjective terms. That one person (even if that person is a parent or teacher) does something in a certain way should not preclude another person from trying it another way.

Explore Your Own Creative Process. Allow your child to see you experimenting, exploring, and expressing your own creative spark.  Paint, draw, and build crazy sculptures and colorful collages.  Have fun!

A favorite collaborative activity: Commemorative Collage

  • Gather family members around an open workspace at a table or on the floor
  • Invite every family member to cut or tear out photos (from magazines or catalogs) which depict what they like about life, family, etc.  Remember… there are no right or wrong answers or images!
  • Once everyone has selected a few images, take turns affixing (glue or glue stick) the images to a small or large poster board.
  • Words can be added as well; older family members can write for those who don’t know how.  The words can be absolutely anything anybody wants to say about family.  It only has to make sense to the person offering it.
  • Choose a common area in which to post the collage, where every member of the family can see and enjoy it.  Someone might even choose to add another image later on.
  • This same activity can be done with family photos or memorabilia to commemorate a birthday or holiday, or the passing of a favorite pet.
  • Suggestion: Ring in the New Year with a family collage to commemorate 2009!

Enjoy!

Until next time,

Delila

Celebrating with Children

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Today is Halloween, which means we are still in the midst of my favorite season… autumn. However,  when I walked into my local Fred Meyer the other day I  was stunned to discover racks of holiday decorations and tinsel and lights. At my house we’re still harvesting tomatoes and raking leaves. December celebrations are distant on the horizon. But not for the mega-corporations intent on capturing our hearts and our dollars.

Always a season ahead, advertisers welcome the approach of the winter holidays with a vigorous attempt to capitalize on our desire to create memorable family rituals. While a central premise of marketing is that buying things will make us happy (not!),  a study of materialistic values among children determined that kids who have the most in a material sense tend to be the least generous, the least content, and less confident  (From Natural Life Magazine, March/April 2008). This revelation comes as no surprise to any parent who has witnessed the tearful tantrums of a child caught up in the vicious cycle of  begging for “things” – candy, toys or the immediate object of their desire – only to discover that the joy at having acquired the thing is fleeting and empty. 

We can turn off the tube  (good first step) but we can’t control the commercialism which presses in through magazines and retail stores – and which bombards our children with images that depict values that may differ from those we want to impart.  However, as parents we can offset the manipulative power of advertising by providing our children an abundance of real, meaningful moments in which to anchor their developing values and beliefs. These kinds of moments – those spent with family and friends, sharing meaningful rituals – weave the true emotional fabric of life.

In our Montessori classrooms we find many events and occasions worthy of celebration, including the loss of a tooth; the changing of the seasons; the sprouting of a seed; the birth of a child; and the historical milestones of many cultures. We honor each of these with equal reverence and without regard for commercial hype which may surround its arrival.  We share  stories, music, and artistic expressions of many cultures and celebrations as dictated by the natural interest of the children, the cycles of the seasons, and the  values of the school community.

We connect as often as possible with nature, a shared experience through which we can explore lessons in history and culture and the ongoing story of our humanity. For the winter holidays we explore the seasonal changes in the earth as well as various cultural expressions of the time, including but never limited to celebrations of Christmas, Hanukkah, Los Posadas, Kwanzaa, Diwali, and the Winter Solstice.  Songs, stories, and pictures on our walls may reflect aspects of these cultural celebrations, all of which inspire further explorations and conversations. Some children may have personal stories, music, or a special project to share and we welcome these.

Because young children are easily overwhelmed by too much activity, we keep our celebrations simple, short and meaningful; and we maintain the regular routines and rituals to which the children are so deeply connected.

Here are a few simple suggestions to inspire meaningful moments and family traditions:

Take a brisk walk outdoors to collect objects from nature – pinecones, autumn’s last leaves, rocks and twigs – and collaborate to make a festive winter table decoration.

 

Keep a family Gratitude Journal: each day at the same time – after dinner or before bed works well – every member of the family can share one thing for which they are thankful, and another member can record them. If you have children who are old enough to write, they will delight in being the one to record these daily “gratitudes.”

 

Volunteer: discuss ways in which your family might be of service to others – preparing and delivering a meal to an elderly person; volunteering at a soup kitchen; or creating a gift box for a child in need are wonderful ideas –  and make it a yearly tradition for your family to participate in some such volunteer activity.

 

Host a cookie swap among friends and neighbors: make the baking a collaborative experience with your children, as well as the sharing of what you have made. The message: there is as much joy in giving as receiving.

Feed the birds: find a recipe for making your own bird food or bird feeder (large pinecones smeared with nut butter and rolled in birdseed make a tasty treat for birds) and hang them in a place where you can observe what happens.

Happy Haunting :)

Delila

Helping Children Dress Themselves

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Today I got a question from a mama who is growing weary of the daily struggle with her young daughter, who insists upon wearing shorts and tee shirts to school.  Mom is concerned that her daughter won’t be warm enough, now that brisk autumn weather is upon us, but her little one is committed to making her own choices .  How can this mama allow her child the freedom to express her own clothing preferences, while also looking out for her safety and comfort?

As adults we are accustomed to juggling many options, but it’s important to remember that too many choices become overwhelming to a young child.  As parents we can ease the child’s burden of responsibility by  limiting choices to only those that are appropriate for them.  For example, once the weather changes it’s time (for the parent) to pack away shorts and tees and any other seasonally inappropriate clothing until the return of warmer weather. Any item of clothing which is not suitable for a brisk autumn day, or for school, should be removed from dressers and drawers, thus limiting the child’s choices and allowing for greater independence with fewer power struggles. To read more suggestions on this subject, Click Here.

Please post a comment to share your tips and strategies for assisting your child in dressing independently (and appropriately) – or to post a question. Your insights, experience and questions are valuable to the whole MamaWize community so please join the conversation!

Until next time,

~Delila

Dressing for Independence and Self Esteem

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Anyone who has parented a toddler can identify with the struggle which ensues when a well-meaning adult rushes in to “help” the child with a task they are attempting to do on their own.

Imagine this scenario: the child has pushed her head through the armhole of her favorite ‘princess’ dress, the dirty one she’s been wearing every day for the past week, and the parent is determined to get her into something more suitable for her first day of school.    In this moment the child is expressing her need for  independence, while the adult struggles to gain control of the situation and the child.  Such conflicts are intense and emotional and usually result in a sense of defeat for both child and parent.

Following are some tips for supporting your child’s need to independently  manage their clothing. With a new school year just around the corner, these simple strategies can make mornings easier and more pleasant for children and parents:

  • Store the child’s clothes in a low drawer or on a low rod, so they are easy to access.
  • Fill drawers with clothing choices that are easy for the child to manage. For example: for a three year-old, elastic waistbands and pullover shirts are good choices; buttons, snaps, belts and suspenders are not.
  • Limit Choices.  Too many options can be overwhelming for the child.  I recommend including no more than several of each item – shirt, pants, socks, etc.  The child may choose one of each item on a given day.  Make sure every item of clothing you put in the drawer and closet are acceptable to you. Then, within these limits allow the child to make their own choice of color/style. Try to let go of adult expectations – who says stripes and plaids don’t match?
  • Stock the drawer or closet with ONLY seasonally appropriate clothing. For example, shorts, tank tops and sandals should be packed away during the winter months.  This way, the child cannot make a ‘wrong’ or inappropriate  choice.
  • Avoid battles of will by storing ‘fancy’, costume, or formal clothing (anything that is not school-appropriate attire) in an entirely separate place. As the parent, it is your responsibility to decide which things are available at all times and which only come out for special occasions, or for play.
  • Allow the child the creative freedom to combine patterns and colors of their own choosing, from among the limited options you have provided.   Try to let go of your need for your child to look or dress a certain way.  Through the experience of making their own choices, the child gains confidence in their ability to manage independently and begins to develop their own personal style preferences.
  • When the child is headed for the laundry hamper to pull out the favorite (dirty) item of clothing, calmly remind them that they may choose from among the items in their drawer/closet and that the favorite dress will be available on another day.

We can’t control the child – and we shouldn’t try – but we can control the choices we offer. While it takes some time to put the above preparations in place, it’s well worth the effort.  As independence increases, so does the child’s sense of self esteem and confidence in their own abilities.

I’m smiling as I recall a few of my Montessori students whose colorful, eclectic attire revealed their independence, self-confidence, and unique fashion sense. In honor of them, today I may wear stripes and polka dots. :)

Have you got some tried and true tricks for helping children get dressed independently? Post a comment to join the conversation!

Given the right kind of  support even the youngest child can learn to manage many aspects of life independently. My next post will focus on the topic of toilet training. Stay tuned!

Until next time,

Delila