Anyone who has parented a toddler can identify with the struggle which ensues when a well-meaning adult rushes in to “help” the child with a task they are attempting to do on their own.
Imagine this scenario: the child has pushed her head through the armhole of her favorite ‘princess’ dress, the dirty one she’s been wearing every day for the past week, and the parent is determined to get her into something more suitable for her first day of school. In this moment the child is expressing her need for independence, while the adult struggles to gain control of the situation and the child. Such conflicts are intense and emotional and usually result in a sense of defeat for both child and parent.
Following are some tips for supporting your child’s need to independently manage their clothing. With a new school year just around the corner, these simple strategies can make mornings easier and more pleasant for children and parents:
- Store the child’s clothes in a low drawer or on a low rod, so they are easy to access.
- Fill drawers with clothing choices that are easy for the child to manage. For example: for a three year-old, elastic waistbands and pullover shirts are good choices; buttons, snaps, belts and suspenders are not.
- Limit Choices. Too many options can be overwhelming for the child. I recommend including no more than several of each item – shirt, pants, socks, etc. The child may choose one of each item on a given day. Make sure every item of clothing you put in the drawer and closet are acceptable to you. Then, within these limits allow the child to make their own choice of color/style. Try to let go of adult expectations – who says stripes and plaids don’t match?
- Stock the drawer or closet with ONLY seasonally appropriate clothing. For example, shorts, tank tops and sandals should be packed away during the winter months. This way, the child cannot make a ‘wrong’ or inappropriate choice.
- Avoid battles of will by storing ‘fancy’, costume, or formal clothing (anything that is not school-appropriate attire) in an entirely separate place. As the parent, it is your responsibility to decide which things are available at all times and which only come out for special occasions, or for play.
- Allow the child the creative freedom to combine patterns and colors of their own choosing, from among the limited options you have provided. Try to let go of your need for your child to look or dress a certain way. Through the experience of making their own choices, the child gains confidence in their ability to manage independently and begins to develop their own personal style preferences.
- When the child is headed for the laundry hamper to pull out the favorite (dirty) item of clothing, calmly remind them that they may choose from among the items in their drawer/closet and that the favorite dress will be available on another day.
We can’t control the child – and we shouldn’t try – but we can control the choices we offer. While it takes some time to put the above preparations in place, it’s well worth the effort. As independence increases, so does the child’s sense of self esteem and confidence in their own abilities.
I’m smiling as I recall a few of my Montessori students whose colorful, eclectic attire revealed their independence, self-confidence, and unique fashion sense. In honor of them, today I may wear stripes and polka dots. 
Have you got some tried and true tricks for helping children get dressed independently? Post a comment to join the conversation!
Given the right kind of support even the youngest child can learn to manage many aspects of life independently. My next post will focus on the topic of toilet training. Stay tuned!
Until next time,
Delila
Hey Delila,
Can you address when your child doesn’t want to get dressed? They can, they just don’t want to get up, eat breakfast and get going?
Yes, what do you suggest for the child that is still naked as the school bell is about to ring?
Dear Delila,
I love your blog and wisdom sister! As you know, I am writing from the perspective of a parent with “adult” children.
It is so important for children to dress themselves early in their development. It gives them an “I can do” attitude and allows them to gain confidence in their decision making processes. It builds self-esteem and creativity.
One year I was a chaperone for a lower elementary camping trip. I was in charge of 3 children. 2 of the 3 could dress themselves. One of them could not and just stood there waiting for help to dress the first day of camp. I was surprised and decided to encourage the child to make a choice of clothing and dress. The joy on the child’s face when the realization of how empowering it was to dress oneself is permanently etched in my mind. More so with this child than even my own. I don’t think I was aware what the gift was with my own children. I remember thinking how shocked the parents would be when the child said, “No, I can do it myself.”
I have observed that each of my children has a personal style over which I have little (okay…let’s be honest NO) influence.
At 20 and 18 they are VERY competent and confident decision makers. Just the way it was meant to be…
Jill
Jill,
You are one WIZE mama! Thanks for sharing your story, which is especially meaningful for those how are just now walking through the early stages of independence with their children.
Delila
Dia,
Great question… and most of us have had firsthand experience with a child who is still naked as the school bell is about to ring! I recall a few of those
Power struggles are intense!
The question to ask yourself in this moment of struggle – we can assume you’ve asked repeatedly for the child to get dressed – is this: what need is the child expressing? I would imagine the child who is refusing to dress (or eat or sleep) is expressing a need to have more control over their experience. Too few choices can cause resistance; too many choices can be overwhelming for the child and create a scenario where it’s too difficult to choose. Therefore, it may make sense for you to think about the morning ritual from your child’s perspective. Is there enough order in the environment that s/he can clearly see what choices are available? Chaos is distracting for children (adults, too). Reducing the number of clothing options may help.
Also consider whether you have provided adequate preparation and support for a smooth morning ritual. Sleep is so important – according to most sources I’ve read, elementary age children need at least 11 – 12 hours per night. If you are having to wake your child in the morning, it’s a sure sign they are not getting adequate rest. It works well to gradually increase your child’s sleep cycle by moving bedtime back in 15 minute increments. Also, do your best to keep the bedtime ritual short and sweet and relaxing – one short story or a quiet song can be the a perfect send-off to dreamland.
Also consider whether or not the limits you have established are clear and consistent. When all else fails and resistance to getting dressed is a scenario your child plays out with you regularly, I offer this simple and logical consequence: drive them to school in their pajamas (make sure you also take an outfit along in a bag). Let the teacher know (at the door) that your child chose not to get dressed but that you’ve brought clothes along for when they are ready to finish preparing for school. Then walk away, thus removing yourself from the struggle. I’ve never seen this scenario repeated more than once with any child. The key to making this work is establishing clear limits and then following through absolutely every time, so your child knows that you mean what you say.