Tag Archives: mamas

Helping Children to Help Themselves

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Anyone who has ever parented a toddler can identify with the struggle which often ensues when a well-meaning adult rushes in to “help” a child with a task they are attempting to do on their own. Such conflicts are intense and emotional and often result in a sense of defeat for both child and parent.   In these moments we realize that the babies we once held so close are no longer babies and they don’t need quite as much assistance – or at least not the same kind of assistance – as they once did.

Many times the best way a parent can help is to move aside and allow the child to find her way. Given the proper support, even the youngest child can learn to manage many aspects of life independently. With a new school year beginning, this is the perfect time to support your young child in becoming more independent in managing personal needs such as getting dressed and using the bathroom. These familiar activities require the mastery of many individual skills which, once accomplished, bring the child to a new level of independence and self confidence.

Here are some tips to help you and your child along in the process:

Dressing with Independence

  • Store your child’s clothing in a low drawer or on a low rod, making it easily accessible.
  • Fill the drawer with clothing choices that are easy for the child to manage. For a toddler, for example, elastic waistbands and pullover shirts are good choices.
  • Organize the contents of the drawer, making the items visible and accessible. For example, make sure shirts are all in one place, socks in another, etc.
  • Stock the drawer and/or closet with ONLY seasonally appropriate clothing. For example, shorts, tank tops and sandals should be packed away during the winter months.  This way, your child cannot make a ‘wrong’ choice.
  • Make sure EVERY item of clothing can be managed independently by the child.  Buttons, snaps and suspenders are all difficult for very young children to manage.
  • Avoid battles of will by storing ‘fancy’ or formal clothing (anything that is not school-appropriate attire) in a separate place, reserved for ‘special’ occasions.
  • Allow your child the creative freedom to combine patterns and colors of his own choosing, from among the clothing choices available to him. In this way, he will gain confidence in his ability to manage independently and will begin to develop his own personal style preferences.

Managing Bathroom needs Independently

  • Break down the Bathroom Routine into logical steps which include taking down clothes, wiping, washing and flushing independently. Once this simple routine is established, be consistent and avoid doing for the child what she is able to do for herself.
  • Dress For (potty) Success: It’s enough of a challenge for a young child to anticipate the need to go and then get to the bathroom in time, without complicating the process by adding snaps, buttons and bows.  Keep it simple. Elastic waistbands and easy-fitting clothes are the best choices for little ones learning to be independent with bathroom needs.

Learning to dress oneself or use the toilet independently helps children grow in self awareness and self esteem. Rewards or incentives are neither necessary nor helpful to the child because his acquisition of independent life skills, self-confidence and trust in his own abilities are the real reward. And this intangible reward becomes clearly evident in the ear-to-ear grin of the child who has just completed a task independently.  “I did it myself!” is music to every Wize Mama’s ears.

Until next time,

Delila

Renewing the Spirit: Nurturing the Nurturer

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I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year and in that time I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover that this online community attracts women of all kinds and in all stages of life… even those who are not mothers.

This confirms a trend I’ve been noticing for awhile: In this day and age, women are not subscribing to traditional roles. Instead, we are insisting that our lives be a reflection of who we truly are and not simply who we feel we should be. Motherhood, while often an important facet of our female experience, is only one aspect of our womanhood.

Yet, the shared quality of nurturing – mothering – seems to be a natural inclination for most women. The problem is, in our efforts to nurture and care for others – families, friends, co-workers, etc. – we often neglect our own needs. It’s a bit of a conundrum. How can we juggle all the responsibilities of our personal and professional lives without neglecting our own personal needs?

No matter where we find ourselves in life, at times we crave the kind of caretaking we offer others, the kind we may ourselves have experienced as children. As women, I believe it’s up to us to support each other in getting these personal needs met, in taking the time to nurture ourselves, and in an ongoing commitment to placing our own needs at the top of the priority list… at least some of the time.

This blog is dedicated to all the women who give, nurture, and care. It is intended to acknowledge and celebrate the many facets of our womanhood; and to inspire greater attention to our own needs and desires.

Many years ago I established a self care ritual I continue to practice almost every day, no matter what else is going on in my life. Just before bed I turn off phones, lock the bathroom door, light a candle and run a hot Epsom salt bath infused with essential oils. I allow myself to soak until my body is relaxed and my mind is clear. Whether I can carve out 5 minutes or 30 minutes, this simple ritual always leaves me feeling nurtured and renewed.

I asked several dynamic women friends – each of whom juggle busy personal and professional schedules with incredible guts and grace – how they keep it all together.  Here are their self care secrets:

Jane Crawford, Owner and LMT (www.lavenderstonemassage.com) “Dry body brushing is an important part of my morning self-care routine. The hour I spend focused on my body and my healing allows me to be that much more present to the needs of my family and my clients.”

Kellie Jean Lewis, Reiki Master & Massage Therapist (www.kelliejeanreiki.com) “Each morning I write down 10 things for which I’m grateful as well as 10 things I want to attract to my life. I write them as if they are already happening. I then take a moment to get very clear about my intentions for that day, and I write those down as well. I read all of what I’ve just written, aloud. In this way, I start each day grounded in gratitude and positive intention.”

Kristie Connor, High-tech Marketing Specialist & Blogger (www.girlstalkingtech.com) “I keep it simple: every day I try to make time for one or two small but significant activities that feel relaxing and rejuvenating to my spirit.  It might be an extra 5 minutes of snuggle time with my son, a deep breathing exercise, a few jumps on the trampoline, a short walk, or a conversation with a friend. When I do this, I feel my stress melt away.”

Erin Donley, Marketing Consultant and Business Coach (www.marketingyourtruth.com) “ I often enlist advice and nurturing from a 3rd party perspective. For example, I work regularly with a business/life coach, and I occasionally seek counsel from one of the many astounding intuitive healers in Portland. This helps me see my situation from a new angle and, often times, clarity and a deeper understanding of myself and my priorities is all I need to regain balance, security, and confidence.

Diane Bays, Owner (www.healthyspacesonline.com) “I’ve always carved out time to nurture my spiritual life through women’s retreats and getaways, which is one way I have modeled for my children the importance of self-care. When I acknowledge my own needs as equally important, I hope I am inspiring them to seek balance in their own lives.”

Joanna Flores, Owner and L.Ac., M.Ac.O.M., ABT (www.groundspring.net) “After I put the kids to bed, I sit for 5 minutes and replay the events of the day to allow any unfinished business to complete and make its way out of my space.  My reward for doing this is I sleep wonderfully and I wake rested.  If I don’t, then I find myself fidgeting and restless.”

Christine Thum Schlesser, Owner and VP of Operations (www.advantig.net) “I treat myself to a weekly session with a fabulous acupuncturist who blends several traditional Asian techniques to help me maintain a healthy life balance.”

Please take the time to post a comment and share your own favorite strategies for personal renewal.  If you don’t have one, I hope you’re feeling inspired to carve out regular time for self care! You totally deserve it.

Until next time,

Delila

Kindling the Flame of Creativity

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The creative is the place where no one else has ever been…What you’ll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda

This post is dedicated to all who tirelessly pursue the creative process.

Creativity involves learning techniques and exploring pathways and discovering one’s unique passions and gifts. For some, creativity is a state of being in the world.

Have you ever experienced a moment of inexpressible, ineffable… something… while immersed in a creative process like singing or drawing or writing?  I say these are the magical moments which keep us anchored to our life dreams and overarching goals. These are the moments we wish for our children, and what inspires us to enroll them in piano and art.

My creative course took a turn twenty five years ago, while observing a group of Montessori preschool children at work and play. I had an epiphany about the vital creativity at work in children; creativity which was not bestowed by a teacher but rather discovered, explored and nurtured by the children themselves.

Creativity is about impulse and passion and choice.  It’s about freedom and flow. It’s about beauty. And it’s about keeping the flame alive. Here are a few  practical tips for encouraging creativity in children and families. What are your favorite tools and tricks? Please take a moment to post your comment:

Provide Opportunity and Choice.

When a spark of creativity is ignited, it’s nice to have some expressive tools and materials at your fingertips. By providing a space and materials with which to work, your child can experience the freedom of choosing how to express a creative impulse or idea. I recommend providing a variety of supplies, organized in boxes or baskets, on a low shelf that is accessible to every member of the family.  Here are some of the basics:

  • Paper – a wide variety of colors and textures and sizes.
  • Easel – great for painting, chalk, and for large collage projects
  • Magazines or catalogs; photos – great for collage
  • Pencils, markers, crayolas and/or oil pastels, and chalk
  • Paints (such as tempura and watercolor)
  • Scissors – different types, including those with fun-shaped edges
  • Glue – squeeze and stick varieties; and a hot glue gun for older kids.
  • Clay – Earthen or Fimo (polymer clay) for sculpture
  • Popsicle sticks – or craft sticks – great for a variety of projects
  • Seasonal items, like autumn leaves, holiday wrap, glitter, stickers… anything goes!
  • Cloths or rags – a basket full for clean up – and a place to put the dirty cloths
  • Plastic or vinyl placemats – to protect works spaces from paint, glue, glitter etc.
  • Aprons – one to fit every artist in the house :)

Establish and Uphold Clear Guidelines of Use.

No parent wants to find tempura paint on the ceiling or clay in the carpet.  Simple guidelines/rules are necessary for maintaining order and keeping everyone safe, but should not inhibit creativity.  These three simple rules allow the individual a large measure of creative liberty within clearly defined limits:

1.      Respect for Self

2.      Respect for Others (anyone around me)

3.      Respect for Environment (immediate, local and global)

Any activity or creative expression that is not respectful of the individual, others, or the space (environment) should not be allowed.  If a material is purposefully misused – like when paint appears on the ceiling, walls or in a siblings hair – it should be removed for a time, and brought back only if the child agrees to use it appropriately.

Demonstrate Basic Techniques: Creative people have mastered specific techniques that allow them to express their unique spirit and creative process. Take the time to demonstrate the basic use of each artistic tool – i.e. pencil, scissors, paintbrush, clay, glue, etc. – before inviting the child to use them independently.   Once the techniques have been demonstrated, the child may explore other ways to use them, or use them in combination.

Respect the Creative Process at Work. As anyone who has ever observed the activities of very young children can attest, they are process-driven creatures.  It’s not at all unusual for a child to spend 30 minutes creating a painting, only to leave the finished product behind, forgotten. This is the natural course of things for the young child, who moves with ease from one activity to the next, immersed in the process of exploring and becoming. It can be difficult for an adult to imagine a child being propelled solely by their own curiosity and inner guidance, and yet when left to their own devices, they are.

Invite Open Dialogue. Children, like adults, don’t always want to talk about their process… and that’s ok.  Trust that your child’s creative explorations may take them to places you have not been. Get curious and, when they do share about their experience, do your best to listen without judgment. Judgment, whether positive or negative, stifles creativity.

Offer Observations and Avoid Praise. The well-meaning adult who swoops in to praise  a child who has produced a product is establishing a pattern of unhealthy dependence on adult approval.  Such a pattern is easily established and difficult to break. Some experts suggest that children who receive regular praise from adults are less confident, less independent, initiate fewer activities on their own, and take fewer (creative, social and intelletual) risks.

However, well placed and objective comments about the child’s process can have the opposite effect, supporting the development of healthy self-esteem. The difference is that praise is totally subjective and places a judgment on the child, while objective comments make meaningful observations of the child’s process,  inspire greater introspection and allow the child to gain confidence in his true abilities. Here is an example of the difference between subjective praise and objective comments:

  • Subjective Praise: “Wow! You are a great artist!”
  • Objective comment: “ I notice you used a lot of blue.”
  • Objective comment: “I see a pattern of lines and circles.”
  • Objective comment: “You worked for a long time on this painting!”

Get Friendly with Error and Avoid Judgment.

Judgment stifles creativity. Humans learn and progress through exploration, experimentation, and by making mistakes and trying again. From this perspective, errors are good indicators of positive progress! Mistake is not a dirty word, despite what we may have learned in school, and Right and Wrong are subjective terms. That one person (even if that person is a parent or teacher) does something in a certain way should not preclude another person from trying it another way.

Explore Your Own Creative Process. Allow your child to see you experimenting, exploring, and expressing your own creative spark.  Paint, draw, and build crazy sculptures and colorful collages.  Have fun!

A favorite collaborative activity: Commemorative Collage

  • Gather family members around an open workspace at a table or on the floor
  • Invite every family member to cut or tear out photos (from magazines or catalogs) which depict what they like about life, family, etc.  Remember… there are no right or wrong answers or images!
  • Once everyone has selected a few images, take turns affixing (glue or glue stick) the images to a small or large poster board.
  • Words can be added as well; older family members can write for those who don’t know how.  The words can be absolutely anything anybody wants to say about family.  It only has to make sense to the person offering it.
  • Choose a common area in which to post the collage, where every member of the family can see and enjoy it.  Someone might even choose to add another image later on.
  • This same activity can be done with family photos or memorabilia to commemorate a birthday or holiday, or the passing of a favorite pet.
  • Suggestion: Ring in the New Year with a family collage to commemorate 2009!

Enjoy!

Until next time,

Delila

Contemplating the Empty Nest…

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I miss my son when he’s away, even if it’s only for a week spent at grandma’s during the summer. When he’s gone and the house is quiet I catch myself listening for the familiar sounds he makes when searching for a clean pair of socks or rummaging for a snack or fumbling for his house key.  I know how to help with these things and  it makes me feel good and purposeful having done it. I am his mama and as I’ve said time and time again, it is “my most important role in life.”

If I’m being honest, I would have to say that much of  my personal identity is wrapped up in being Elliott’s mom. I am a successful teacher, writer and business owner, and I’ve managed to integrate these professional endeavors into my role as parent.  I say integrate because, make no mistake, I am first-and-foremost a mom. Why aim for CEO when one can achieve the title of  Mama, the veritable source of love and caring?

I can see why people have loads of children. Being a mom allows me to feel valued and necessary.  The tending I provide to my child is also an ineffable offering to my self, which strengthens my identity as a care taker. Whew.  Why do parents tend to do too much for their children?  Because it feels sooooo good!

I have several friends who recently escorted children off to college and, as I drove my son to his first day of high school last week,  I suddenly felt keenly aware that we had just entered the final 4-year stretch before college and “real life.”  I wonder which is worse, the anxious contemplation of what life will be like when my son has flown the nest, or the actual transition which some parents have said is really quite liberating?  Right now I can only conjure anxiousness.

I recently read a wonderful story written by a mama I knew years ago when her children attended the Montessori school where I worked.  Click below to read Lakshmi’s story:

Empty Nest Leaves Her Feeling Uprooted

To share your story or pose a question to other mamas, click on the title of this post and then scroll to the bottom to add your comments.  I hope you’ll join the conversation!

Here’s to the joy and sadness, to the growth and risk and vulnerability of raising children; here’s to us, wize and courageous mamas!

Until next time,

Delila