Whew! Writing this post took me back to my son’s first day of Montessori school… eleven years ago. That doesn’t seem possible! I can still feel myself fighting back tears as I mustered a bright and enthusiastic send off as my “baby” hurried off to join his new friends.That first day was relatively easy for him, but incredibly difficult for me.
Separation anxiety is no fun for parent or child, but it is a natural part of growing up.
Babies and toddlers go through an anxiety phase (usually, between 7 – 24 months) because they have not yet developed an understanding of object permanence, meaning; they don’t yet understand that important people continue to exist even when they are out of sight.
This kind of anxiety sometimes appears again, briefly, when children start school. By this age (3 and older) the child does understand that people go away and come back again, but may need extra reassurance that familiar objects and people will reappear when the school day is done. Once trust is established – they know mama or papa will return to pick them up after school – the child can let go of anxious feelings and move into the school day with a sense of confidence.
No matter how wonderful the school and the teacher may be, the first day of school represents something new and unknown in the life of the child, and also in the life of the parent. Therefore, the way in which parents prepare for and communicate about this big change is a critically important factor in the child’s experience.
Here are a few timely tips for easing first-day-of-school jitters:
- Read a book to encourage your child’s questions and prepare for the experience of going to school – it’s nice to do this many times before the first day of school arrives. Check out Sam and Gram and the First Day of School by Dianne Blomberg.
- Make sure your child gets plenty of sleep; push bedtime back, if necessary, to assure your child awakes calm and happy and with plenty of time to dress, eat breakfast, and get out the door without feeling rushed or anxious about the time. Click for some additional tips on creating healthy bedtime rituals.
- Involve your child in preparations for school, such as helping to pack a lunch and laying out clothing the night before, and preparing breakfast in the morning. Allowing the child to be fully involved in the process instills confidence and positive feelings about the new school experience. Click for some additional tips on dressing for independence.
- Engage in pleasant, positive car conversations – be sure to convey your excitement and confidence in your child’s new school. And remind them that you’ll be back to pick them up, after their fun day at school.
- Turn off your cell phone, so you can give your undivided attention to your child and facilitate a smooth transition. Same goes for pick up – when you are talking on your cell phone you are not being present for your child.
- Once at the classroom door, share a short goodbye – a warm hug and a kiss, and a reminder that you’ll be back when school is out. Remain positive and enthusiastic, even if (especially if) your child seems reluctant. Prolonged goodbyes are difficult for the child and the parent, and do not help the transition to school. Same goes for peering through the window or lingering in the parking lot – if your child sees you doing this, it will only indicate to them that you are not comfortable and, therefore, they won’t be comfortable either.
- If your child is having difficulty entering the classroom or is unwilling to physically separate from you (you know, like when they are wrapped around your pant leg…), allow a teacher to assist. Remember, pre-school teachers have lots of experience with just such a scenario.
- If your child eats lunch at school, it’s really lovely to include a simple note – something like: “Dear Elliott, I love you. ~Mama” This is a meaningful ritual which provides a nice touchstone to home and family while fitting in nicely with the child’s experience at school.
Most parents feel a mixture of joy and sadness as the child reaches each new level of independence. As difficult as it may seem to send your little one off to their new school for a few hours, keep in mind the reasons you chose this experience for your child.
Wize Mamas – what are some tips can you share for easing first-day-of-school anxiety, or for when those “I don’t want to go to school!” days rear their ugly heads? Please join the conversation!
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Until next time,
Delila
These are all wonderful tips and great reminders as “the big day” looms. We have had good luck with mellow music in the car – either classical or happy children’s music. The best advice that I ever received about the first days of school was that the parent’s attitude about the child’s transition to school plays a huge role in the success of the moment. If a parent believes in her or his heart that this is the best place for the child, and that this opportunity will serve the child, this feeling will be exuded throughout the process and the child will feel it too.
I can clearly remember the days of peeling my 3 year old off of me and doing the fast pass to his wonderful and knowing guide. She knew that when he was sure I was gone he would settle in to his work. Of course it might take a few minutes of comfort but before long he was happy and busy. I on the other hand would make my way to the car and once safely out of sight, weep. Now my son is off to JR. High and wanting to get dropped off a block away from me.I am not sure which is more painful….
Dia,
You make such a good point. Parenting is joyful and painful, sometimes all at once! The child’s separation anxiety is fleeting, while ours holds on longer as we witness each new milestone with the knowledge that those we love most (our children) are gradually moving away from us. Ouch! We want their evey independence and success, but we also want to hold them close. If parents really understood this prior to having children, I wonder if anybody would …
Krista,
Thanks your post and your tried-and-true, wize mama advice for minimizing first day of school jiters. I love what you say about believing in your heart that you’ve made the right choice for your child. If we are reluctant, so are they.
Wonderful posting Delila- thank you for sharing!
This practice of staying positive and confident that your child is in a good place absolutely makes dropping off and separating smoother for all involved. If I may go one step further down this path, I’d like to share I also do not allow myself to show any ambivalence or sadness in front of my child. That is emotional work I can do with other adults or writing in my journal. This is adult work and I believe would be very confusing to my child if I were crying while telling him to go, have a great day- leave me here unsettled. That doesn’t feel right. He would not be able to walk away feeling secure if I were to show these emotions to him. As he gets older, these lines will get easier to fade away as I see his ability to handle more complex emotions increase. Developmentally, he is still simple in what he can comprehend. It does not make sense that I would be telling him to do something that I didn’t want him to do- what an abstract concept. Mainly, I am really clear that this is not my child’s work to care take me or help me through. He has enough to manage and figure out at this age! so all the focus and energy goes to him, supporting his journey into his own classroom community. And I do my own self nurturing around my discomfort with his growing up and independence on my own.
Blessings to all the parents who said goodbye to their “babies” today!
Monica,
Your words are encouraging and supportive… and very wize!
Thanks for sharing your experience and heart.
Delila