I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year and in that time I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover that this online community attracts women of all kinds and in all stages of life… even those who are not mothers.

This confirms a trend I’ve been noticing for awhile: In this day and age, women are not subscribing to traditional roles. Instead, we are insisting that our lives be a reflection of who we truly are and not simply who we feel we should be. Motherhood, while often an important facet of our female experience, is only one aspect of our womanhood.

Yet, the shared quality of nurturing – mothering – seems to be a natural inclination for most women. The problem is, in our efforts to nurture and care for others – families, friends, co-workers, etc. – we often neglect our own needs. It’s a bit of a conundrum. How can we juggle all the responsibilities of our personal and professional lives without neglecting our own personal needs?

No matter where we find ourselves in life, at times we crave the kind of caretaking we offer others, the kind we may ourselves have experienced as children. As women, I believe it’s up to us to support each other in getting these personal needs met, in taking the time to nurture ourselves, and in an ongoing commitment to placing our own needs at the top of the priority list… at least some of the time.

This blog is dedicated to all the women who give, nurture, and care. It is intended to acknowledge and celebrate the many facets of our womanhood; and to inspire greater attention to our own needs and desires.

Many years ago I established a self care ritual I continue to practice almost every day, no matter what else is going on in my life. Just before bed I turn off phones, lock the bathroom door, light a candle and run a hot Epsom salt bath infused with essential oils. I allow myself to soak until my body is relaxed and my mind is clear. Whether I can carve out 5 minutes or 30 minutes, this simple ritual always leaves me feeling nurtured and renewed.

I asked several dynamic women friends – each of whom juggle busy personal and professional schedules with incredible guts and grace – how they keep it all together.  Here are their self care secrets:

Jane Crawford, Owner and LMT (www.lavenderstonemassage.com) “Dry body brushing is an important part of my morning self-care routine. The hour I spend focused on my body and my healing allows me to be that much more present to the needs of my family and my clients.”

Kellie Jean Lewis, Reiki Master & Massage Therapist (www.kelliejeanreiki.com) “Each morning I write down 10 things for which I’m grateful as well as 10 things I want to attract to my life. I write them as if they are already happening. I then take a moment to get very clear about my intentions for that day, and I write those down as well. I read all of what I’ve just written, aloud. In this way, I start each day grounded in gratitude and positive intention.”

Kristie Connor, High-tech Marketing Specialist & Blogger (www.girlstalkingtech.com) “I keep it simple: every day I try to make time for one or two small but significant activities that feel relaxing and rejuvenating to my spirit.  It might be an extra 5 minutes of snuggle time with my son, a deep breathing exercise, a few jumps on the trampoline, a short walk, or a conversation with a friend. When I do this, I feel my stress melt away.”

Erin Donley, Marketing Consultant and Business Coach (www.marketingyourtruth.com) “ I often enlist advice and nurturing from a 3rd party perspective. For example, I work regularly with a business/life coach, and I occasionally seek counsel from one of the many astounding intuitive healers in Portland. This helps me see my situation from a new angle and, often times, clarity and a deeper understanding of myself and my priorities is all I need to regain balance, security, and confidence.

Diane Bays, Owner (www.healthyspacesonline.com) “I’ve always carved out time to nurture my spiritual life through women’s retreats and getaways, which is one way I have modeled for my children the importance of self-care. When I acknowledge my own needs as equally important, I hope I am inspiring them to seek balance in their own lives.”

Joanna Flores, Owner and L.Ac., M.Ac.O.M., ABT (www.groundspring.net) “After I put the kids to bed, I sit for 5 minutes and replay the events of the day to allow any unfinished business to complete and make its way out of my space.  My reward for doing this is I sleep wonderfully and I wake rested.  If I don’t, then I find myself fidgeting and restless.”

Christine Thum Schlesser, Owner and VP of Operations (www.advantig.net) “I treat myself to a weekly session with a fabulous acupuncturist who blends several traditional Asian techniques to help me maintain a healthy life balance.”

Please take the time to post a comment and share your own favorite strategies for personal renewal.  If you don’t have one, I hope you’re feeling inspired to carve out regular time for self care! You totally deserve it.

Until next time,

Delila

Dear Wize Mamas & Papas,

As some of you know, I offer consultations with families. The idea is to get parents the support they need to experience more harmony and less frustration at home.

I’m fascinated by the questions I get to ask…. designed to expand awareness and inspire parents to explore their feelings at a deep level. I think these are questions every parent should revisit now and then, to keep us mindful of our personal purpose and unique vision for our families.

I’ve chosen a few of the most thought-provoking questions to share here, and I invite you to ponder each one for yourself.

If it stirs anything up for you, let me know… I’d love to help.

1. What are the core values and beliefs of your family? What is most important to you?
   
2. How is your home set up to be comfortable and functional for every member of your family?
3. In what situations do you wish someone would hand you the “official book of parenting” and, what is it about these situations that tends to overwhelm you as a parent?
4. What about your child inspires you the most?
5. What about your child mystifies you?
6. What do you most want your child to remember about you as a parent?

And as always, this blog is about sharing diverse views on parenting… feel free to answer any of these publicly or add some of your own questions to the dialogue.

Let’s talk!

~Delila

On the day I handed down my beloved baby doll Tina to my toddler son, she died twice…first in a hit-and-run with his dump truck and later by drowning. Recalling the time my younger brother had scalped that very same doll, her demise at the hands of my tiny son elicited a lecture so shaming I’ve (thankfully) erased it from memory.

My precious little one was all boy, though he had never seen television or movies or violent images in books. Elliott was raised in a carefully prepared environment rich with sensory activities to engage his curiosity. His shelves were filled with puzzles and blocks and art supplies, not guns and swords and pirate ships. We avoided gender stereotypes, rarely even dressing him in blue.

So where did this fascination with violence come from?

I don’t recall the first time I uttered the enlightened and oh-so-above-it-all mantra, “We have a peaceful home. We don’t even pretend to play with weapons here. Everybody has the right to be safe.”  But I do remember my son  retreating from me time and time again to avoid hearing those words, while attempting to hide a carrot-stick sword or paint brush pistol from my view.

Eight years of education and training under my belt and I felt hopeless and ill-equipped to parent my own child.

Some experts suggest that by forbidding imaginary gun play and other such activities, parents increase children’s interest by driving it underground and thus create a situation where children feel they cannot safely express their feelings and impulses. While others advise parents to prohibit toy weapons altogether, I was unable to find any study linking pretend gun play with an increased incidence of violent behavior in adulthood.

Michael Thompson, Ph.D. (author of Raising Cain) has this to say: “What we know is that boys in all cultures around the world wrestle more, mock fight more, and are drawn to themes of power and domination, but that’s not the same as hurting someone, so it’s not necessarily a cause for worry.”

At some point I had an epiphany. What if Elliott’s intrigue with weapons indicated a natural impulse to gain control of his circumstances, and nothing more?  And what if my own feelings of guilt and shame about his interest in these things could be far more damaging than any run-in with a rubber sword?

In my mind I was merely passing on my values, but what if my lecturing and nagging had damaged his self-esteem?

My son’s interest in guns was not a passing fancy; he is naturally drawn to mechanics and strategy, and to power. What has changed is my response.  When I realized the toll it was taking on our relationship, I vowed to stop shaming Elliott. And to talk less and listen more. By stepping down from my soapbox, I now know my son better and can respect his varied interests – which include piano and literature, crocheting and cats.

Last summer  Elliott invited me target shooting.  Even though it was only Airsoft, I said “no thanks,” in a tone that spoke volumes. He quickly countered, “Mom, guns are just tools. You don’t have to be afraid of them. Shooting at targets isn’t hurting anyone. It’s fun.”  I allowed him to be my teacher that day.  He demonstrated proper handling and gun safety with total acuity and, no doubt anticipating another eco-lecture from me, vehemently assured me that the pellets would biodegrade “within a reasonable time frame.”

Holding a gun felt awkward until my first “hit,” which was accompanied by an unexpected surge of adrenalin.  I glanced at Elliott who, grinning more broadly than ever, proudly exclaimed, “Mom, don’t you think it feels kind of good when you hit the target?”  I had to be honest. Hitting the target did feel good.

What transpired on the way home was a delicious helping of parental bliss. He uttered the words “Thank you for taking an interest in this, Mom. I know it was a stretch for you.”… and meant it. In that precious moment, ‘all boy’ didn’t seem ‘all bad.’

I know the conversations that might  spring from this topic are broad in scope and emotionally charged. And that’s exactly what Mamawize is aiming for… so please, respond with your thoughts, insights, and personal experience. This blog is all about having real, honest, diverse discussions… parent to parent.

Talk to me…

~Delila